3am

So I am back in my little dorm room in France after a much-needed 10 days of R&R in the states, and, as you can probably ascertain, it's 3:09am in my corner of the world.  I get what I deserve, though -- I crashed from noon until after 6pm today (after arriving in Paris this morning at 7:30am), and then slept again from 10pm-2:30am, so I'm not really even upset about being wide awake right now.

Given that it's the beginning of a new year, I've been thinking sort of generally about the state of my life and my goals for 2013.  I don't "do" resolutions -- it actually seems like it might be more beneficial to practice a little reverse psychology on ourselves and only resolve to do the things we really shouldn't be doing -- then, we might succeed!  But that's just my opinion, maybe other people have a better track record with resolutions than I.

This year, I'm going to try to be more honest with myself.  I have lots of other more concrete goals of course, but "self-honesty", if you will, is what I'd like to make a priority this year.  (And really, for the rest of my life).  During the past few months, I've found it really helpful to "check in" with myself a lot about how I'm feeling about my life.  Being truly honest with myself has made it easier to focus on the things that are really important to me (because after all, you have to figure out what those things are before you can make them prioirites!)  It's also not helpful to try to "sugarcoat" your life for yourself, or discount your feelings about something because "you have it so much better than some people" and "you should be grateful for what you have".  Those statements may be true, but if you're not acknowledging your true feelings about things, you're in for a load of shit (pardon my French) down the line.

For example, I acknowledge that I do not "love" what I do right now. I like it sometimes, and sometimes it makes me want to pull my hair out, cry into a pillow, and drown my sorrows in pastries and chocolate (although I have to admit, I picked a good country in that respect).  I have good days and bad days, and how I feel about my job(s) changes.  (This is normal, I've figured out.)  Some days at school are great -- I laugh right along with the kids (this is bizarre to them, as their teachers are hard-pressed to crack a smile in class), and the lessons seem to sink in. Sometimes the logic jumps the kids make astound me!  Those are the days I feel like a "real" teacher, and I think the kids are really benefitting from me being there.

Some days at school are shitty.  Sometimes they're really shitty.  There are some days I discipline more than I actually teach, or my lesson plan goes up in flames when the kids completely fail to grasp the concept of whatever I'm trying to teach them (although, to their credit more than mine, this rarely happens for too long).  Sometimes the teachers don't like what I've planned to do, and I can't figure out whether I really have the "right", as a "teaching assistant", to stand up for my lesson plans (even though I'm the only one teaching English, here!)  Sometimes the pricipals on my schools get angry about bureaucratic/silly things that I don't understand, like when I ask for paper to use for the photo-copier...  this one really blows my mind).

Sometimes I'm sick (which is a lot), sometimes I haven't gotten enough sleep because I've been working too much at the bar in Paris, and sometimes I just plain don't feel like teaching.  But, the majority of the time, no matter how I'm feeling before I get to school, the smiles are the kids' faces is enough to remind me that what I'm doing here is worthwhile.

I've also found that (shocker!), things go better when I'm prepared.  So I'm going to try to have all my lesson plans done before the start of each week so that I'm not scrambling before class and I have a more cohesive picture in my head of where I'm going with each lesson.

So even though I try to set myself up to enjoy each day, I know that won't always be the case.  I also have lots of things to look forward to in the next 4 months.  I have a trip to London planned for January 29-31, where I'll be meeting up with my friend Will (who also happens to be my ex-boyfriend, we dated for a year and a half in college).  He'll be there for a conference, and I've never been to London (unless Heathrow airport counts), so I'm really excited to have a couple days to explore!  Two days after I get back from London I'll be flying to Barcelona to spend the weekend with a couple friends from high school who live there now.  One of them is an avid climber, so hopefully I'll be able to get some climbing in on top of exploring Barcelona!  I'm crossing my fingers for good weather :)

I also have a 2 week school vacation in the beginning of March, and I'm going to try to get a full week off from The Moose as well so I can plan a fun trip (hopefully with some of the other teaching assistants!)  I'd love to go spend some time at the beach!  Then my parents arrive on April 19 and I'll move out of my apartment in Saint-Germain and into the studio they've rented in Paris (right next to the Louvre!!!)  I'll have 3 more days of teaching while they're here, but the rest of the time we'll be exploring Paris together.  Then my best friends Natasha and Fiona arrive on April 29th, and we'll spend 5 days in Paris before embarking on an 8-week European tour, concluding in Dublin where we'll catch a flight back to San Francisco through London!

I have 14 weeks of teaching left, and a total of 42 teaching days, which really isn't that much in the bigger picture.  And I have so many amazing things to look forward to during that time and afterwards.  I'm pretty damn lucky to have the life that I do and all the opportunities this experience has provided me with :)

In the short term, I'm going to visit some climbing gyms, and hopefully find a membership that will work with my schedule. The only problem is that the better gyms are pretty far away from where I live, so I'm also going to join a gym or yoga studio here in Saint-Germain for the days when I don't have enough time to make it to the climbing gym.  Yoga and climbing are activities I've missed SO much since I arrived in France, and I finally have the money to get them into my life again!

I'm also looking forward to doing some more exploring in Paris with my TAPIF friends, because I've barely skimmed the surface when it comes to seeing the city!  I haven't even been to the Louvre yet (le gasp).  I'll also try to get better about taking pictures.

In the much shorter term, I'm currently looking forward to going grocery shopping once my Simply market opens...  The contents of my kitchen currently are as follows: hummus, salsa, butter, sugar, salad dressing, and instant oatmeal.  I had oatmeal for "lunch" and "dinner" yesterday and don't think I can stomach it for breakfast again in the morning!  I did bring a little of the holidays back with me though, and for a snack tonight I made myself some brittle with some mixed nuts I had left over... yum! :)  I am definitely going to miss big American kitchens for the next 6 months, I did a ton of cooking over break and really enjoyed it.

Anyway, it's after 4am and that's enough bloggin' for now.  My suitcase is looking like it'd really like to be unpacked... but I think some Project Runway Allstars is in order right now.

Love to my friends and family back in California and my grandparents in Tennessee, miss you all like crazy!